Are you about control? Or are you curious?

I run into this match up quite regularly in my work with people. Especially with people in belief systems.

There is something to be said about order in an organization, having a set of standards you operate by and therefore expectations you have for everyone in the organization. We can use more organic terms for what your organization represents, maybe it is a group or a team, or a gathering. But no matter how organic the organization, the organism at the centre if you will, expectations grow and members set the foundation for the ‘who we are’ of things. We do this as a society, call the unwritten stuff ‘norms’ and the stuff we hold each other to, ‘laws’. These things become promises we make to each other in gathering and doing what we do seamlessly.

As a dad who stands with his kids as part of the LGBTQ+ community, who was also a vocational pastor for a number of years, I run into this conflict regularly. Churches wanting a strong ‘standard’ or community rule, largely based on past gathering practices, and making space for groups to ask questions of ‘why?’ regarding the standards kept. The most prominent crowd within this conversation is the “Can we all just get along?” crowd, which generally does not want to discuss anything too contentious, mixed with the “If you don’t like it, leave,” group. A rocking boat makes it difficult to keep the pews in their rows, if you will… and that generally means less open conversation.

Given the large number of people not returning to the religious norms of Sunday morning after the pandemic lockdowns were lifted, combined with the trend that already existed beforehand of less and less people showing faith by attendance, and throw in the absence of vocational pastors to take on roles (if the funds are present to do so), and you might say the evangelical church is struggling to remain in control. If you take in the fear of a lost generation in the Z’s, and it becomes a challenge to what the norm will look like in the very near future. (Click here to read what I said about Gen Z) Unfortunately, when it comes to this kind of crisis, most of us pursue the effect rather than examine the substance of what we do.

Most churches and faith leaders I sit down with will say the philosophical things we all aspire to, “It is not about the numbers, it is about God at work in us.” Until you pick at the pain. It usually points to not enough people in the brick-and-mortar space at the appointed time, or at least not the right ones.

Whenever you hit a pain point, a crisis, or even a simple disagreement in a conversation, (nowadays) it can easily become another point of polarization. ‘Us vs Them‘ as we see so often. In a larger group, normally a group size where difference and opposition is still more easily held (churches under 200 people…beyond 200 you start getting into a large church mentality: Anonymity, uniformity, conformity, etc.) we may encounter the usual 20% who are passionately ‘for’ or ‘against’, and 80% who wish we could just not talk about anything troubling.

The experts tell us in this situation, particularly among leaders in the group, it is important to develop a posture of CURIOSITY. The direct pull will always be towards CONTROL though.

What is curiosity?

• Not assuming the thoughts and motives of the other.
• Not approaching the conversation as a challenge to what is ‘right’ or your authority.
• Listening before telling.
• Asking before sharing.
• Creating a centre to gather.
• Genuinely making space for the ‘other’ to share and make space in yours.

What is control?

• Assuming that the organization or situation is only yours.
• That all parties involved need to be of the same thought.
• Claiming ‘territory’, whether physical, emotional, or metaphoric, that is owned and occupied.
• Telling instead of asking.
• Gatekeeping instead of cultivating or holding space.
• Creating a fortress with strict boundaries.
• There is no space for the ‘other’ within the gates.

We always find a space to centre when we start with curiosity. When we only focus on control we will always struggle with keeping everyone under control.