Father’s Day and getting a handle on hate

So, did you have a good Father’s Day? If you are not a father or don’t celebrate, I apologise for this one and hope you look forward to the next time I blog…

I looked back at what I have said about fatherhood and Father’s Day in the past on this site, and here are a few favourites, in case you wanted to take a walk down memory lane with me:

• What’s in the Pepsi bottle? A holiday memory about my dad and the value of what is inside: https://leadfreely.ca/2023/12/14/whats-in-the-pepsi-bottle/
• Old dog, new tricks About learning something new no matter what the age: https://leadfreely.ca/2017/06/19/old-dog-new-tricks/
• Living a Legacy as Dad This was a reminder of the different types of relationship I had with my dad over time, and how we view things differently over time: https://leadfreely.ca/2018/06/17/living-a-legacy-as-a-dad/

This Father’s Day I reflected on what I learned in the past that still impacts me today. Today being a season, looking at how I approach the world, how I hope to have impacted my kids… Being an ’empty-nester’ started with its own set of challenges as I only realized once I was present in it that things were changing. The modelling and training side of parenting has ended and now it is the time for speaking into life when requested, being present as a support when needed, and checking in for encouragement every chance I get. Oh, and being a very lively grandpa as well…

Carl Jung says we live in 4 broad stages of life, which I personally believe is too broad for categorizing in a helpful manner. But he also theorized that we live out our adult life in 2 major waves based on how we approach things in a healthy way.

• The first half… is externalized. We strive, we build, we lean heavily into what works for us socially to gain and grow into our setting.
• The second half… is internalized. We reflect, we share, we lean into what we considered weakness or the ‘shadow’ self and become content with the person we are.
• The middle… is often considered a crisis. This is where we discover and come to grips with the change in perspective. (Remember: A crisis is not always a traumatic event; it is a change.)

Here’s a good article on the subject if you would like to read more: Carl Jung suggested...

“You don’t hate them, you dislike them.”

Of all the things my dad shared with me early in my life, and may have been shared with my children a few times, the above quote stands out the most clearly. He said it often, and had plenty of occasions to do so with his spirited and strongly opinionated children. The youngest in particular was prone to angry outbursts and shared his opposition to things quite openly. (That would be yours truly!) Hate was one of those words that was disparaged because it insinuated that you were allowing the object of your hate to have control over you. It took part of your mind and heart to hate something.

Later, I would hear from others about the idea that hate meant you were damning the person or thing. Further, hate was not the opposite of love as was often thought, it meant that you still somehow cared for whatever you hated. I used all 3 of these definitions over time and maybe all 3 have some truth in my mind.

The wisdom in my dad’s teaching was not simply to not hate at all. It was in the object of your hate and allowing it to be a cancerous tumour on your soul. Dislike things people do, don’t hate the person doing them. He understood the fixation caused by hating and how destructive it was to let something we did not like to become an emotional addiction, giving them “rent free space in your head”. It was about the impact the hate had on you.

Well, in this 2nd half of life I realized I had to revisit that adage of my father’s. There are all kinds of factors at play in our world today, on a global level impacting our local, and not necessarily approached with grace or generosity at the best of times.

• Fascism
• Genocide
• Polarization
• Protectionism
• Cronyism
• Othering
• etc. etc. etc.

Hate is a self-perpetuating machine that requires very little feeding. We now live at a time where it benefits those paid for our attention to create an environment of hate as a business model, and we are all willing players.

I realized how easily my mind bends fully to hate. And once fixated and fostered, it is craved when I don’t. There has to be something to hate today! It caught me off guard when I put a name on what was happening to me as I simply ‘browsed the news’ or followed a few threads of discussion on another toxic subject. Before long the reality sets in: All subjects are toxic in this new environment.

To not hate is a decision. To hate the right things is discerning. I believe that.

Believing in our uniqueness in the image of the Creator, I truly believe we are able to hate. And there are some things we just need to. Why? Because we care and we acknowledge the things that are not as they need to be. This is love, this is justice, this is truth. We were not designed to stoically observe and ignore what is broken and destructive, to us and the world around us.

So, this Father’s Day I recognize my hate for what causes brokenness and does not allow for healing or justice. My approach to this feeling has changed from the first half of life, and that means having a renewed sense of what deserves this hateful attention. Not everything is equal. Separating my soul from the attention market of the world helps reset the gauges concerning myself with what needs to be concerned. Learning what love looks like within the brokenness is the continued challenge.

Dad was partially right. Many things I can dislike, because they are preferences and annoyances. But there is plenty to hate, and wisdom may be in understanding the difference between the two.